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Entertainment, iPhone, Twitter, Thanksgiving, Turkey
Entertainment, iPhone, Twitter, Thanksgiving, Turkey
TECH-BABE: Welcome to My User Pool...
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Thursday
27Nov
The Act of Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 27, 2008 at 11:08AM 
The Set: OR Room; faint beeps every other second in the background; two OR nurses in scrubs, goggles, surgical mask, hairnets, and elbow length latex gloves.
ACT 1: Cock Prep
(On loud speaker) “Paging Dr. Tech Babe, paging Dr. Tech Babe. Please report to the OR room immediately.”
(ENTER Dr. Tech Babe…)
Dr. Tech Babe: “How’s the patient doing?”
OR Nurse 1: “All prepped and ready to go.”
Dr. Tech Babe: “Seasoned?”
OR Nurse 2: “Yes Doctor.”
Dr. Tech Babe: “Surgical tools check…carver? Syringe? Thermometer? Baster? Brush? Plastic Bag? Pliers? Hooks? String? Paper bag?”
OR Nurse 1: “Paper bag? Why do you need a paper bag Doctor?”
Dr. Tech Babe: “In case I puke after the gutting process. Duh!”
ACT 2: The Asshole Trap
(Gutting process complete. Paper bag of puke sitting on OR floor; engage stuffing procedure.)
Dr. Tech Babe: “Pliers.” (OR Nurse 2 hands Dr. Tech Babe a pair of pliers.)
“This isn’t working. I’m going to need some help parting these thighs. String.” (OR Nurse 1 hands Dr. Tech Babe spool of string and each nurse moves to opposite sides of Dr. Tech Babe.)
“Now I’m going to tie a piece of string to each of the legs with each of you holding the other end. Then when I say go, I want the both of you to run in the opposite direction of each other as fast as you can. Nurse 1, you tie your end to the door knob. Nurse 2, you tie your end to the window latch. Ready?”
OR Nurse 1 and 2: (both with raised eyebrows) “Uh, sure Doctor.”
Dr. Tech Babe: “I know it’s an extreme measure but we have no other option. The bird MUST be stuffed.” (Both nurses nod their heads in concurrence.)
“Ready? GO!” (Both nurses run in opposite directions while Dr. Tech Babe grabs a sloppy handful of stuffing and inserts both hands into the dark hole. The string snaps and Dr. Tech Babe’s hands are now stuck in the cock’s asshole!)
(Screams in terror) “They’re stuck! My hands are stuck! Quick! Butter the rim! Hurry!” (background beeping becomes more rapid.)
OR Nurse 1: “The rim?” (confused look)
OR Nurse 2: (whispers to OR Nurse 1) “You know? The rim!” (OR Nurse 1 still confused.)
“Lube! Grab the lube and rub it around the asshole!!!!!”
OR Nurse 1: “Oh, right! Gotcha’!” (winks at OR Nurse 2)
(Dr. Tech Babe is released from the cock’s asshole and successfully completed the stuffing process.)
ACT 3: Final Juicing
(Both nurses are standing on either side of OR table. Dr. Tech Babe is holding a syringe.)
Dr. Tech Babe: “I need you two to carefully and very gently pull the skin back so I can really get in there.”
OR Nurse 1: “Won’t that leave a scar?”
Dr. Tech Babe: “Not if you do it right. I saw it on an episode of Nip Tuck.”
OR Nurse 2: “I remember that episode. And the injections are just like Botox right?” (Looks at Dr. Tech Babe for approval.)
Dr. Tech Babe: “Correct! Now let’s finish juicing this asshole!”
(No mishaps during this scene. Dr. Tech Babe and both Nurses wearing smiles of satisfaction and success.)
ACT 4: Code Black
(The oven is heated. Both nurses have moved the bird to the rack and placed on rolling tray for easier transport to the oven.)
Dr. Tech Babe: “Nurses, I think we’re ready. Move him in.”
(Nurses wheel the cock over to the oven and load him in successfully.)
OR Nurse 1: “Now what?”
Dr. Tech Babe: “We wait…wait some more…continue waiting…still wait…you get it. I don’t know about you two, but I’m headed to the surgeon’s lounge for a bit to check my Twitter stream. Page me if you need me.” (Dr. Tech Babe exits the OR)
(The next day…)
(On loud speaker) “Dr. Tech Babe! Code Black! Code Black! Dr. Tech Babe! We have a Code Black!”
(Dr. Tech Babe sends out one last tweet and is running through the halls and busts through the doors of the OR)
Dr. Tech Babe: (to OR Nurse 1) “How are we looking? Give me the stats!”
OR Nurse 1: “We don’t have time for that Doctor. The cock is flat-lining!” (background beeps turn to long beeps)
Dr. Tech Babe: “Paddles!” (OR Nurse 2 hands paddles over.) “Clear?”
OR Nurse 2: “Clear!”
Dr. Tech Babe: “It didn’t work! One more try! Clear?”
OR Nurse 2: “Clear!”
Dr. Tech Babe: “Fuck! C’mon! You’re good! Don’t leave me!”
OR Nurse 1: “We’re completely flat-lined. Sorry Dr. Tech Babe”
OR Nurse 2: (with a look of disappointment) “Sorry, now what?”
Dr. Tech Babe: (to OR Nurse 1) “Hand me my iPhone.” (OR Nurse 1 quickly hands iPhone over. Dr. Tech Babe dials.)
“Hi there, Ralph’s Service Deli? Yeah, I'm going to need an emergency cock tonight. Just killed the one I had. “
Wednesday
26Nov
You Know You're a Twitter Addict When...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 06:03PM 
http://www.realfresh.tv/if-you-so-much-as-twitter-this/I’ve got Twitter brain. Correction. I’ve got a new addiction. It’s called Twitter. Since my recent layoff, I’ve had plenty of time to build upon this newfound addiction. And thank goodness for my addictive personality gene! Otherwise, I would have died from utter boredom. Though not clinically diagnosed, I’ve got ADHD tendencies and need constant stimulation. (Think what you will with that one.)
Anyway, before admitting to being a Twitter addict and prior to seeking a new support group, I thought I’d ask the Twitterverse for their opinion by finishing the following sentence:
“You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…”
I received quite a few responses and have categorized the top five for each category as follows:
1. Workplace
2. Personal Habits/MEMEs
3. Friends & Family
4. Technology & Gadgets
5. In Traffic
and my personal favorite…
6. Sex, Love & Relationships
So...here it goes!
Workplace: You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…
…you check for number of followers you have before your work emails. (@jicheu)
…you conduct office meetings via Twitter. (@farwyde)
…you prefer conf calls vs. in person meetings so you can tweet the stupid things people are saying. (@theuserpool)
…you’ve shortened your emails to 140 char or less including your signature line (@theuserpool)
…you trust the opinions of the twitterverse vs. your own peers and colleagues to make critical business decisions. (@techbabe)
Personal Habits/MEMEs: You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…
…you tweet before peeing in the morning (@dananner)
…you tweet in your sleep (@devakishor)
…u truncate your verbal comm. And speak in 140s; actually SAY “dm’ing” and “at-replied” (@NickSeguin)
…you tweet while peeing (yes I have) and the last thing you do is check twitter before bed (@chriswood)
…you write down things so you remember to Twitter (@JessicaBahr)
Friends & Family: You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…
…you’ve traded your real BFFs for new BFFs whose names begin with ‘@.’ (@techbabe)
…you get off the phone with a friend and say “retweet my love to the family.” (@Figliuolo)
…you actually refer to your people as tweeple. (@farwyde)
…you’re out drinking with the boys’= tweeting your drink choice at the bar…alone. (@theuserpool)
…your new emergency contact info consists of the twitter URL and your twitter id. (@techbabe)
Technology, Trends & Gadgets: You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…
…you consider Twitter a sex toy. (@theuserpool)
...you have more than one twitter app on your iPhone. (@midwestkel)
…you have twitter up on dual monitors and your iPhone simultaneously. (@InazumaMotoring)
…you find your name on the top 100 list at TwitterHolic. (@MarlonRibunal)
…you forward twitter to your phone prior to vacation since you won’t have access to a computer (@Konstantine)
…you check your twitter grade at TwitterGrader daily to see if you’ve made the Twitter Elite. (@techbabe)
In Traffic: You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…
…you tweet and dwive (@farwyde)
…you twitter at stoplights about the cars around you (@dealexpert)
…you tweet your road rage obscenities (@techbabe)
…you tweet about how much you hate the 405---to and from work DAILY. (@theuserpool)
...you’ve rear-ended someone but can’t admit that it was due to twittering so you immediately offer to cover damages w/ no contest (@techbabe) And BTW, true story and I’m still pissed about that one!
Sex, Love, & Relationships: You know you’re a Twitter Addict when…
…you tweet during a blowjob. (@benmarvin)
…you interrupt watching porn to see if someone has answered the question you tweeted. (@timelmo)
…you can’t stop tweeting long enough to masturbate. (@farwyde)
…you know how long sex went bc you tweeted about it when it started and tweeted about how good it was right after. (@TechSausage)
…you tweet your wife from your girlfriend’s house. (@Tall_Can_Mike)
…your lover has a better chance of hooking up with you via DMs since you no longer respond to texts and phone calls. (@techbabe)
…when talking dirty, you say "I want to lick your twitter.” (@theuserpool)
…you’re out to dinner w/ your lover and you’d rather tweet each other from across the table than talk. (@techbabe)
…the Twitterverse knows about your intentions to file for divorce before your spouse does. (@farwyde)
…part of the breaking up process includes unfollowing and blocking that person. (@Figliuolo)
(Sorry folks, had to go with Top 10 for this category!)
Based on all the responses above, I am definitely and certifiably a Twitter Addict! And you definitely know you're a Twitter Addict when you've got a huge following from a totally different city and state (Houston, TX) and they have offerred to fly you out to their next Tweet Up! Shout out to all the Houston, TX tweeps:
@hollystarpr, @alangham, @AlexanderF , @rafaela0528, @farwyde and of course, @coffegroundz!
Thank you all for participating in my madness. But I’m unemployed and have nothing better to do. Hope you all enjoyed this post and feel free to add more Twitter Addict symptoms by commenting on this post. And if you didn't understand the Twitterology used in this post or you weren't amused, then you're just not cool.
in Technology, iPhone, Twitter, Social Media
Technology, iPhone, Twitter, Social Media Saturday
22Nov
Interviewing
Saturday, November 22, 2008 at 01:21PM 
Well folks, I made it through my first week of unemployment. Day one was completely miserable. As the week progressed, I had three interviews scheduled between Thursday and Friday. Damn, I'm warped! Interviewing can be a lot more draining than actual work. It's such a fucking process! But I have to go through it to have somewhat of a Merry fucking Christmas right? Anyway, there are definite peeves I have with each step of the process.
Job Board Sweeping
On day one I swept all the major job boards and created or updated my profile. It takes a lot to put yourself on blast like that, especially when you've been in hiding from a psycho ex-bf who's in recruiting. But that's another story that I buried a long time ago. (I hope he's dead---too much?) Anyway, I set up search agents based on keywords to receive daily alerts for anything that matches my profile and background...TECHNOLOGY.
Peeve? No, I'm not interested in setting up my own Insurance Agency, nor am I interested in attending your culinary academy! WTF? My point is serach agents aren't always accurate so you've got to go beyond the job boards and really reach out to your networks.
Application Submission
Thank goodness for on-line applications! Can you imagine having to manually fill out a paper application with all the technology out there? Sheesh! My only gripe with this part of the process are with those applications that require you to provide them with your residential information for the past 10 years. Makes it difficult for a person who gets sick of her place every three years. Just like cars. I'm a two to three year person. So no, I don't remember what my address was in 1998. All I remember is that I graduated with my BS that year and donated bags of clothing to the Salvation Army.
And here's one more...I can never remember previous employers phone numbers. Wouldn't do any good in my case anyway since four of five went down in flames with the mortgage meltdown. How would they verify employment now?
Phone Screens
I love phone screens. You can do them naked, or in your jammies. You can step out on the porch and smoke. You can pee if you have to (just mute your phone). You can roll your eyes and make stupid faces when they ask you a stupid question. Your voice and what you say is all that matters in a phone screen. The key here is to sound convincing enough that they'd want to bring you in in person.
Face-to-Face Interviews
Now that you've gone through the application process and the phone screen, you get the call for an in-person interview. You're no longer a "voice" but an object they get to size up and make silent judgements about. I sometimes wonder what goes through their head when they first see me after I've checked the "Hispanic" ethnicity box and "Asian/Pacific Islander" race box on the EEOC form.
My peeve here...why are you asking me the same exact questions you just asked me during our phone screen? Next time, I'll record the phone conversation and send you the wave file with a photo attached. How's that asshole? And if you need me to meet with other people, can you coordinate something on the same day so that there's no multiple outfit decisions that need to be made or driving back and forth through L.A. traffic? Fuck man, that's just inconsiderate.
Panel Interviews
Some people can be intimidated by panel interviews. I do pretty well, I think. Or I'm not intimidated by them, rather. The only thing with panel interviews? The more panelists there are, the more "Thank You" emails you need to send out once it's all said and done. And you know you can't just do a copy and paste because they all talk to each other. So this week, I had two panel interviews. One with five panelists and the other with four. That's nine custom "thank you" emails that end with "Hope you have a great weekend" when the truth is, no I don't. I don't care if you have a good weekend or not. All I care about is a phone call from you to move me into the next steps. (Just keepin' it real.)
And there you have it. While I'm happy to be interviewing, the process still drives me up the wall sometimes. Look, I used to be a hiring manager too. I never put any of my candidates through some of this shit. But if that's what it's going to take, I have no choice. Well I guess my only other option would be to sign-up for game shows.
in Office Humor, Technology, Comedy, HR, Business Attire, Satire, Layoff, Interview
Office Humor, Technology, Comedy, HR, Business Attire, Satire, Layoff, Interview Monday
17Nov
Unemployed: DAY 1
Monday, November 17, 2008 at 07:37PM 
I know it's only been a single day since my layoff last Friday...but can you say stir-crazy?!?! (FUCK!) And I'm sure there are tons of "unemploids" that have been out way longer than I have but how are they filling their days? What are they watching besides court TV and talk shows that hone in on "Is He Yo' Baby Daddy" or "Bitch Stole My Weave and My Man" topics? I mean really? I couldn't do it. But I left the TV on for background noise and sat in my home office to be somewhat productive. Though I have to admit, as soon as I heard roars from the studio audience, I ran out to watch a few dudes get bitch-slapped on national TV.
Anyway, back to my day. Here's the rundown:
- Filed for unemployment (CA EDD State Max is $450/week! Guess that'll cover weekly manicures and daily Starbucks fixes)
- Updated my resume (two formats)
- Chatted with @farwyde from Twitter (She's quite entertaining---Thank You!)
- Blasted my resume on all major job boards: The Ladders, Monster, Career Builder, Dice, etc...
- Sent messages to my entire Linked In network to let them know I'm on the market (and by "market" I don't mean meat market!)
- Chatted with @farwyde some more; oh and @LossAngeles
- Prepared a financial plan/budget to carry me through the next 90 days (Christmas is going to suck), and...
- Ignored phone calls/emails/chats with former co-workers looking for the "real" reason as to why I'm no longer there. I'm sure the rumor mill is alive and kicking. And I hope they can fabricate a good story so that I can be entertained. (For the record, there is no other story other than standard corporate economics.)
That about sums it up. Wait...no, I lied. Also took a mid-day nap, stayed in a wife-beater and boy shorts all day, hit 97% on hard for Disturbed on Guitar Hero, and followed some more interesting folks on Twitter.
I hope this doesn't last too long. I'm ADHD. Maybe I'll take up wood-staining.
Friday
14Nov
"So What? I'm Still a Rockstar"
Friday, November 14, 2008 at 05:15PM 
Let me begin: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Sorry, had to get that outta' the way. In case you haven't been following my Twitter stream today, I've been laid off. That's right, LAID OFF! Can't say I didn't see or feel it coming though, just never thought they'd actually do it. But it happened.
I went into the office with a slight tequila hangover at about nine o'clock. I did, however, pop three Advils and downed it with a can of Red Bull, so no one but myself knew I was hungover. Anyway, I knew something was wrong immediately when I saw Wenky speaking, with a look of distress, to what was left of my Indian tribe and my token white-girl, Sandy. I walked over and asked what was wrong. Wenky was saying good-bye to the team. He didn't want to make a big production out of it so he left shortly after that. Needless to say, I'm going to miss that fucker. He had my back on everything, even when I was being unreasonable. Great sport, that guy.
One hour later I received an email from the admin of the interim manager that went like this:
HAPPY FRIDAY!
I'm sending this on behalf of [Manager No Balls] since he is out of the office today and won't be returning until next Wednesday. But he wanted me to drop off packing supplies to your office and volunteer myself with whatever assistance you need to carry out your things. I'm ready whenever you are=)
Are you fucking kidding me with the "Happy Friday" and fucking smiley face?!? I immediately picked up the phone to call her dumb ass. She answers.
Hey, so you got my email?
Yeah.
So you ready now? Or do you want to wait after lunch?
After lunch? For what?!?! (enraged) I proceeded,
You knew about this?
Uh, yeah, [Manager No Balls] said you had a meeting with him a few days ago and it was agreed.
Heh. Really. But no thanks. I don't need your help or anyone else's for this. I'll pack my balls and be on my way.
I'm sorry. But are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure. But do me a favor. Get a fucking' degree or take a communications class at least. You don't start an email like that with "HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY."
I didn't. I said "HAPPY FRIDAY."
Too easy. So I just slammed the phone down.
I fucking knew it! While I saved my staff, I didn't save myself. But there was no way I could have. They still need the staff for "lights-on" support and maintenance. But what were they going to do with a Manager and a Lead with no projects on the horizon?
I left at about 1:00p.m. I, in the least bit, needed to say bye to a few folks who kicked ass. And I needed a little more time to make my way around the office to drop a witching hex in Danny Conrad's and [Manager No Ball's] offices.
Didn't waste anytime this afternoon. Blasted a few recruiter buddies and had an immediate interview at 4:00p.m. We'll see how that goes.
But shout out to all my tweeples for their DMing me their support:
@TheUserPool (of course!)
And now, a little Pink to lessen the sting. (Vodka and smokes will help too.)